Different obstacles in the form of mergers with a partner and the organization of dependent relationships may occur on the experience of intimacy. Or, on the contrary, because of the fear of being absorbed by a person, we remain isolated because of the inability to open our boundaries to another. Including intimacy can be perceived as a way of avoiding loneliness. Such a motivation is compensatory, then the need is not in closeness, but in finding a method that can help somehow overcome our loneliness.
Five essential conditions
- The desire or intention to enter into close relationships. This is my choice for which I will have to be responsible. Sometimes it is hard to realize it, and then it is easier to offend or blame the other in that, for some reason, intimacy did not happen.
- The courage required to make such a risky step and present itself. After all, every time on the way to closeness, we risk being rejected, risking tormenting pain since we become vulnerable or defenceless.
- This is an intention to trust the person with everything. Sometimes it seems incredibly terrible to us, more often it is the human thing that is in almost everyone due to our imperfect nature. Sometimes confidence is a very fragile substance, especially if there is a negative experience of deceived trust. It could have happened in any format of relationships: parent-parent, friendly, romantic. This is what is often called betrayal. And here we are not talking about some fact, but about entrusting yourself to another person. This is how difficult feelings and their various combinations can be born: fear, shame, fear of shame, the shame of shame. Then it is necessary to do a lot of work, for instance, to restore step by step, very slowly, in the process of therapeutic relationships this amazing opportunity and a gift of trust.
- Respect for otherness or recognition of the right of the other to be different. This is what is called the word acceptance. This is about the fact that the other is not obliged to meet your expectations. Similarly, intimacy does not require anything in return, because intimacy may not be mutual. Accepting the other is not an easy story, and almost 100% unattainable unless you are enlightened. It is more about intention, about the possibility of dialogue and the ability to negotiate in difficult moments.
- Awareness and consciousness. It is they that allow you to feel your own borders and regulate their permeability. Also, they allow you to decide who and how close you will let. There is no need to be wide open with everyone, doing a spiritual striptease, it is reasonable to share different levels of intimacy and distance with different people.
Thus, when faced with issues of intimacy, a person inevitably encounters existential experiences of loneliness, imperfection, responsibility, freedom, and choice.